So Funny Quotes

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

We're a team, and just by the nature of our sport, we're always promoted together. I think we are definitely two different people with two different personalities, but we're always linked.

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.

Jenson Button is in the top ten, in eleventh position.

I've sometimes thought of marrying - and then I've thought again.

I don't think I'll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn't big enough.

The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress.

I love the script and I just thought it was a great role. Like I say, it's like this - the script is like this sad, funny, desperate love song to the lost American man.

A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.

Dammit Sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't always be living for pleasure!

I don't know what's wrong with that girl.

If we threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

The dog is a yes-animal. Very popular with people who can't afford a yes man.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.

I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.

Stories in families are colossally important. Every family has stories: some funny, some proud, some embarrassing, some shameful. Knowing them is proof of belonging to the family.

Many come to bring their clothes to church rather than themselves.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

The conductor is a peculiar person. He turns his back on his friends in the audience, shakes a stick at his players in the orchestra, and then wonders why nobody loves him.

This is getting funny, but there ain't nobody laughing.

Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

A kiss, when all is said, what is it? A rosy dot placed on the 'I' in loving; Tis a secret told to the mouth instead of to the ear.

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.

Somewhere deep down there's a decent man in me, he just can't be found.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion.

God gives us our relatives – thank God we can choose our friends.

So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

I love bald men. Just because you've lost your fuzz don't mean you ain't a peach.

Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself, even though you never touch its coat tails.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

They had a... dog called Bluey. A know psychopath, Bluey would attack himself if nothing else was available.

Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Men's natures are alike; it is their habits that separate them.

What does politically correct mean? If you're fat, don't ask me if you're fat, because I'm gonna tell you the truth. You're fat.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to move forward.