So Funny Quotes

In Italy, I had an Afro, and a lot of the kids came up and felt my hair. It really was funny. I wish I had understood Italian.

I often pay homeless people to come round and clean my car.

All pretty girls are a trap, a pretty trap, and men expect them to be.

Remember, in China when you are one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you.

I was sued by a woman who claimed that she became pregnant because she watched me on television and I bent her contraceptive coil.

Moral indignation in most cases is, 2% moral, 48% indignation, and 50% envy.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

Ninety percent of this game is half mental.

It's a required part of your film history to know who Woody is. His movies are so wonderful, and not just funny but so insightful about human behavior.

It's funny how the music industry is enraged about the Internet and the way things are copied without being paid for. But you know why people steal the music? Because they can't afford the music.

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?

Journalism is organized gossip.

Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love.

Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.

Three minutes thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

The funny thing is that I feel close to all my characters. Deep, deep inside them all. I can't describe how deeply I love them all.

If you open that Pandora's Box you never know what Trojan 'orses will jump out.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

Statistics are no substitute for judgment.

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

They think they can make fuel from horse manure - now, I don't know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.

I have no agenda except to be funny. Neither I nor the writers profess to offer any worldly wisdom.

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.

I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.

There is no hell. There is only France.

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

I know you can be funny without being filthy.

I remember writing standup jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn't matter. Everything I thought would work didn't work. And everything I was iffy on was funny.

A man bitten by a dog, whether the animal is mad or not, is apt to get mad himself.

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

I'd like to wear my old [cinnamon buns] hairstyle again - but with white hair. I think that would be funny.

Acting is not about dressing up. Acting is about stripping bare. The whole essence of learning lines is to forget them so you can make them sound like you thought of them that instant.

Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.

It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.

I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now.

The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten

He had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.

Homer no function beer well without.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

Stuart Rojstaczer writes with enormous wit, style and empathy, and The Mathematician's Shiva is a big-hearted, rollickingly funny novel that's impossible to put down. A tremendous debut.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It's like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.

Anyone who is funny and doesn't take herself to seriously is attractive to me