So Funny Quotes
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.
Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing.
I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Whatever you have read I have said is almost certainly untrue, except if it is funny, in which case I definitely said it.
My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.
Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.
Oh, I'm good. Seriously, after all these years, you'd think I would stop amazing myself. But here I am, still doing it.
OKAY. So I was going to the library every Saturday. So what? So what? It's not like I was reading books or anything.
Funny that all of Nixon's crimes - anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars - are all legal now. Discuss.
A good neighbor sometimes cuts your morning up to mince-meat of the very smallest talk, then helps to sugar her bohea at night with your reputation.
It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.
People who are pro smacking children say, 'It's the only language they understand.' You could apply that to tourists.
It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small, and the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all.
we love what we love and who we love who we love and why we love why we love and find a falling shoelace knotted and strung between the fingers of strangers
Get the right people on the bus, the wrong people off the bus, and the right people in the right seats...
Be bold. If you're going to make an error, make a doozy, and don't be afraid to hit the ball.
Mark my words, when a society has to resort to the lavatory for its humour, the writing is on the wall.
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.
Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
Oh, I could spend my life having this conversation - look - please try to understand before one of us dies
If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.
I don't think about what other people expect or anything. I mean, I sit and worrying so much about what I'M thinking, I'd go NUTS if I sat around worrying about other people.
Don't be concerned about others not appreciating you. Be concerned about your not appreciating others.
You know, it was just another presentation of my work, and a funny one, because the cards are quite different from the normal Tarot deck, no?
I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.
Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.
