So Funny Quotes

Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out.

I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.

I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven't changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.

I'm President of the United States, and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli!

He that cannot reason is a fool. He that will not is a bigot. He that dare not is a slave.

Each year India and China produce four million graduates compared with just over 250,000 in Britain.

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT

Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.

I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth!

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

In my opinion MS is a lot better at making money than it is at making good operating systems.

It seems that boredom is one of the greatest discoveries of our time. If so, there's no question but that he must be considered a pioneer.

Heck by the time a man scratches his behind, clears his throat, and tells me how smart he is, we've already wasted fifteen minutes.

Comedy is an ability to observe and see what's funny in a situation and be able to forget yourself enough to do it.

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

For my next trick I will make everyone understand me.

A man with a hump-backed uncle mustn't make fun of another man's cross-eyed aunt

If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.

A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.

I think that I'm so psychotic and so mentally ill that if I could tap into that I could do something really interesting.

If you don't know how to die, don't worry; Nature will tell you what to do on the spot, fully and adequately. She will do this job perfectly for you; don't bother your head about it.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

It's important to just kind of get away from your sport until you miss it. It's about taking time to enjoy other aspects of life or learn new things. It helps rejuvenate.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

Seven days without laughter makes one weak.

If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?

I'm glad I don't play anymore. I could never learn all those handshakes.

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.

Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing.

Ones real life is often the life that one does not lead.

A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.

It's funny how many people will come to Vegas to see your show where they might not come out to see you unless you come to their hometown.

You know what make me laugh? Good, clean, honest humor. Not-trying-to-be-funny humor. Like Will Ferrell. Will Ferrell got that kind of humor.

Great little One! whose all-embracing birth Lifts Earth to Heaven, stoops Heaven to Earth.

Live as long as you may, the first twenty years are the longest half of your life.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

Don't take life too seriously.

Water, water, everywhere, And all the boards did shrink; Water, water, everywhere, Nor any drop to drink.

Please stop waiting for a map. We reward those who draw maps, not those who follow them.

We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn't want to meet.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Most people fail in life because they major in minor things.