So Funny Quotes

money is not everything but it ranks right up there with oxygen

And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.

I do like dating cynics - they tend to be incredibly funny.

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

Every man has one thing he can do better than anyone else--and usually it's reading his own handwriting.

After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you enter.

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

That is the thankless position of the father in the family-the provider for all, and the enemy of all.

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me.

Kill one man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill them all, and you are a god.

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking.

You know, I use organic products, but I get [laser treatments]. It's what makes life interesting, finding the balance between cigarettes and tofu.

I am who I am. I can't pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.

What fills us is real, sweet, dopey, funny life.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.

You, the actor, must be aware of when you're being funny, but the character you're playing should always be oblivious to the fact.

It's funny because I think it also goes very well with the show. It has this reputation as being this love city where everyone goes to get married, but when you get there, it's very corny and tacky.

Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.

More and more of our imports are coming from overseas

Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.

We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts.

Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."

If the quarterback throws the ball in the endzone and the wide receiver catches it, it's a touchdown.

Do not do unto others as you expect they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

If you want to stay fit, surround yourself with a couple of chicks who are fired up, so that the one day you're not, you can feed off their energy.

It’s a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realize what’s changed, is you.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

I'm for whatever gets you through the night

Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.

An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.

Something feels funny. I must be thinking too hard.

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

Unless each day can be looked back upon by an individual as one in which he has had some fun, some joy, some real satisfaction, that day is a loss.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.