So Funny Quotes

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes.

My name is "A Pimp named Slickback" Wait... A Pimp?? ... Named Slickback. Yes, please say the whole thing if you would. Yes, that includs the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes Tom, everytime.

Donald Trump is happiest when he's with his family and that's his - that - that really is a happy place for him to be with his family. And so he's very generous, very kind, funny, compassionate.

There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.

Age is something that doesn't matter unless you're a cheese

Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.

I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.

I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

There's no sauce in the world like hunger.

I'm stronger than I think I am. Mentally, physically.

I don't want to be put on a pedestal. I want to be known as a nice and normal person, but my skills are a little more excelled.

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

More gold has been mined from the thoughts of men than has been taken from the earth.

Swallow a toad in the morning and you will encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day.

I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved.

An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away.

The Apple store is not a store. It is an exercise in evangelism.

I am not one to turn down macaroni and cheese, even late at night. I love Italian food. I love pasta... A refrigerator full of water and Gatorade? Honey, that's just not gonna happen.

No man is greater than his respect for sleep.

Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.

I have only one ambition left: I should like to have a good epitaph.

... don't be afraid to screw up !... one of the key issues to learning is making mistakes ... if you're not making mistakes, you're probably not having a very good time

We're living on the Planet of the Apes. Is that funny or serious?

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.

The Church has always been willing to swap off treasures in heaven for cash down.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Humor is unavoidable. It might not feel funny in the moment, but more often than not there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

The best way to turn a woman's head is to tell her she has a beautiful profile.

I never threw an illegal pitch. The trouble is, once in a while I toss one that ain't never been seen by this generation.

Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.

To confine our attention to terrestrial matters would be to limit the human spirit.

I detest life-insurance agents: they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.

The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

My business is hurting people.

Plant a radish, get a radish, never any doubt. That's why I love vegetables, you know what they're about!

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

Cats can be very funny, and have the oddest ways of showing they're glad to see you.

I buy expensive suits - they just look cheap on me.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.