So Funny Quotes

It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen.

A princess always takes care that her words are honeyed, for she may have to eat them

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.

My life has a superb cast, but I cannot figure out the plot.

The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.

You should tell the truth as often as you can, but in such a way as people don't believe you or think that you're being funny.

I'm a big health-food freak and a vegetarian devotee.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

If you cast really funny, talented people and let them do what they need to do, they're going to hit a home run for you without a script.

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

A human being: an ingenious assembly of portable plumbing.

I just bought a Chihuahua. It's the dog for lazy people. You don't have to walk it. Just hold it out the window and squeeze.

READ! Books can be as delicious as hot-fudge sundaes, as funny as clowns, as exciting as a baseball game that's tied in the 9th inning, and as beautiful as the best sunset you ever saw.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

It is not possible for one to teach others who cannot teach his own family.

It cannot be when the root is neglected that what springs from it will be well ordered.

The man who tries to be funny is lost. To lose one's naturalness is always to lose the sympathy of your audience.

The funniest people are the saddest once

Originality exists in every individual because each of us differs from the others. We are all primary numbers divisible only by ourselves.

Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.

Always keep a smile. I attribute my long life to that. I believe I will die laughing. That's part of my program.

I had to wait 110 years to become famous. I wanted to enjoy it as long as possible.

Make [food] simple and let things taste of what they are.

During job interviews, when they ask: 'What is your worst quality?', I always say: 'Flatulence'. That way I get my own office.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.

If you catch me saying 'I am a serious actor,' I beg you to slap me.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.

All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

When all else fails, look cute.

If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.

When you have great players, playing great, well that's great football!

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time.

It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.

I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.

Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."