So Funny Quotes

Small things amuse small minds.

Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.

Today you are you! That is truer than true!

Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

Every minute you spend in planning saves 10 minutes in execution; this gives you a 1,000 percent Return on Energy!

Avoid all needle drugs, the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.

If God had wanted us to play football in the sky, He'd have put grass up there.

Fate laughs at probabilities.

The nicest thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator which is often socially impressive.

Why can't a woman be more like a dog, huh? So sweet, loving, attentive.

My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time.

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

I’m the youngest in my family and everyone is very funny, and I was always trying to keep up with them. I just loved making people laugh.

All tragedies are finished by a death, All comedies are ended by a marriage.

Knowing what you can not do is more important than knowing what you can do. In fact, that's good taste.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God's fool, and all His works must be contemplated with respect.

There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that.

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.

Acting is an empty and useless profession.

Every word she writes is a lie, including "and" and "the."

I like someone who has a super gentle spirit and energy. I’m really gentle, and so I like a boy who will treat me that way.

Mumps, measles, and puppy love are terrible after twenty.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

They think we are retarded. They are retarded.

Mansell is slowing it down, taking it easy. Oh, no he isn't! It's a lap record.

And the first five places are filled by five different cars.

Good-looking people turn me off. Myself included.

All good things come to those who wait.

It may be true that artists adopt a flamboyant appearance, but it's also true that people who look funny get stuck with the arts.

What's funny is that there's a lot of great Australian actors in American movies but you don't often hear them do their Australian, original accent.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

New York has always been going to hell but somehow it never gets there.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

I'm going to speak my mind because I have nothing to lose.

In two words, impossible.

Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale.

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

The Heimlich maneuver works on house pets. My pit bull was choking on his dinner. I squeezed his stomach and the neighbor's cat shot right out.

I know a way to stay friends forever, There's really nothing to it, I tell you what to do, And you do it.

After Michael Jordan had scored a play-off record 69 points - I'll always remember this as the night Michael and I combined to score 70 points.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.