So Funny Quotes
I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.
The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
I asked many friends if Australian anti-intellectualism was still a living force and they all told me it was. If you are above average intelligence, hide this embarrassing fact.
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.
Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost.
It was funny to be an emcee, because you're so at the mercy of the club. You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400 - and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank.
Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
A comedian's body is funny as well as his mind being funny, his whole personage is funny.
I think that the episodes are like mini horror films really; the characters make bad decisions early on and these things just snowball for them and get worse and worse. And that's what I find funny.
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage.
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift'... they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git.
I'm one of those guys like whatever the situation is, as long as people are cool and everybody is trying to be funny, I have a good time.
It's funny, because music is one of those things it is natural to go into. You hear it so much growing up, it kind of permeates you and eventually you spew out some music of your own.
Where is Hollywood located? Chiefly between the ears. In that part of the American brain lately vacated by God.
Learn to trust yourself. That's very vital. ... Just stand with yourself. Remember, in his lifetime, Van Gogh sold only two paintings. I personally sold even fewer.
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."
Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
