So Funny Quotes

I've always tried to be funny, or stupid, or whatever. I love making people laugh and I think it comes quite naturally to me.

America is a bunch o' bullies. Tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.

Don't come on to be funny - come on to solve problems.

I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.

When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows,' people just stare at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, for free.'

I can't forgive my friends for dying; I don't find these vanishing acts of theirs at all amusing.

I have imbibed such a love for money that I keep some sequins in a drawer to count, and cry over them once a week.

I wrote the story myself. It's all about a girl who lost her reputation but never missed it.

A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close.

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.

El Salvador has the scenery of northern California and the climate of southern California plus - and this was a relief - no Californians.

A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth.

Somebody said to me, 'But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.' That's a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, 'Now, let's write a swimming pool.'

The state of life is most happy where superfluities are not required and necessities are not wanting.

I never see any home cooking - all I get is fancy stuff.

Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.

Man has will, but woman has her way.

Solutions are not the answer.

You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Peter also uses his wig as a cereal bowl... He'll some times have some, like, Top Ramen in it.

A tree's a tree. How many more do you need to look at?

I like all Jim Carrey films. They're really funny.

Life is always walking up to us and saying, "Come on in, the living's fine," and what do we do? Back off and take its picture.

If you don't dissagree with me, how will I know I'm right?

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

Now I've wrestled alotta countries!

The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.

God turned out to be a bunch of bad little kids playing interstellar Xbox. Isn't that funny?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.

"More fun than a barrel of monkeys." Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky, if not downright vicious, a barrelful of monkeys would be, especially once released from the barrel?

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.

You know it's funny, when it rains it pours they got money for wars, but can't feed the poor.

On hitting a shaken opponent - His legs turned to spaghetti and I was all over him like the sauce.

I drink therefore I am.

Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.

The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock."

There is no finer investment for any community than putting milk into babies.

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.