So Funny Quotes

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!

Our records, if you have a dark sense of humor, were funny, but our records weren't about comedy. They were about protests, fantasy, confrontation and all that.

Because that's what Hermione does,' said Ron, shrugging. 'When in doubt, go to the library.

I couldn't believe it. That was the first time I had ever seen somebody celebrate for a whole 40-second clock. That was ridiculous.

People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist... how do we fix Africa?'

You better take care of me Lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.

There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.

Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy.

Guilt, remorse. It's what separates us from the animals.

I think 'Breaking Bad' is brilliant. Good drama in the U.S. is also so funny and blurs the line between light and dark.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

Stupidity is better kept a secret than displayed.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

It is an old prerogative of kings to govern everything but their passions.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train.

Life is so unlike theory.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

In love, somehow, a man's heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting parked in the wrong place.

My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.

When I appear in public, people expect me to neigh, grind my teeth, paw the ground and swish my tail - none of which is easy.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

You from within our glasses, you lusty golden brew, whoever imbibes takes fire from you. The young and the old sing your praises. Here's to beer, here's to cheer, here's to beer.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am - I am filled with humidity.

The phrase 'domestic cat' is an oxymoron.

I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself".

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.

In my prime I could have handled Michael Jordan. Of course, he would be only 12 years old.

A fellow who has a funny bone can learn to hone his skills, but I don't think you can develop a funny bone - you either have it or you don't. And by the way - when you get it, we don't know it.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

I'm a cat person. I have two giant cats [Harry and Arturo] that I call the small panthers. They're like 17 pounds each-they're big boys! Every photo on my phone is of them doing something funny.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

If you are patient...and wait long enough...Nothing will happen

And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago.

Boom, boom, foom, poom! He just ran right at 'em!

Every comedian is just doing the comedy they find funny. This is me and it's not clean in any way. I could get a lot more work on TV playing clean but it's never interesting.

I like comedy but I guess I don't think [my art] is that funny, either. It's too dark and a bit weird in places to be genuinely, uniformly hilarious and function as comedy.

Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.