So Funny Quotes

I showed what I can do with butter, right? Eighty-five percent increase in sales. I'm very proud of them Country Life ads. They were funny and clever and classy like the Toblerone ads I grew up with.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

Not a game, not a game... practice.

Baloney is flattery laid on so thick it cannot be true, and blarney is flattery so thin we love it.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.

Life is the movie you see through your own eyes. It makes little difference what's happening out there. It's how you take it that counts.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Don't mind your make-up, you'd better make your mind up.

There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.

You don't run 26 miles at five minutes a mile on good looks and a secret recipe.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I rant, therefore I am

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Richard Burton had a tremendous passion for the English language, especially the spoken and written word

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them...

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you.

I believe, in a funny way, the job of the novelist is to be out there on the fringes and speaking for an experience that has not really been spoken for.

The funny thing is, I'm not really a big reader, not a big fan of books in the first place.

Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.

The sea hates a coward.

Wonder Showzen is one of my favorite shows of all time. When I first saw it, I thought it was so funny and new and original and edgy and insane and subversive. I didn't know comedy could do that.

Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I am who I am and I say what I think. I'm not putting a face on for the record.

I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

I have no interest in sailing around the world. Not that there is any lack of requests for me to do so.

I was a hop-around. I hung out with the rockabilly crew, the guys who were trying to be rappers, the funny kids.

I guess good things come to those who wait.

I was just getting acquainted with the wood. I wanted to see if it was maple or pine.

I have had a holiday, and I'd like to take it up professionally.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of all statistics.

I cannot afford to waste my time making money

Of all the self-fulfilling prophecies in our culture, the assumption that aging means decline and poor health is probably the deadliest.

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.

I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.

New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.

When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

What was the name of that dog on "Rin Tin Tin"?

The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

I wouldn't be the best offensive player if I didn't have a great setter. She serves me up nectar.