So Funny Quotes

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I don't so much mind that newspapers are dying - it's watching them commit suicide that pisses me off.

Unless I am very much mistaken...I AM very much mistaken...!

Software sucks because users demand it to.

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.

Baptists are only funny underwater.

To many people holidays are not voyages of discovery, but a ritual of reassurance.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

To be honest dinner conversations was the worst bit about being a child and listening to the boring people around me.

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.

When you are down and out something always turns up - and it is usually the noses of your friends.

If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.

I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot.

When the eyes say one thing, and the tongue another, a practiced man relies on the language of the first.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

When I played drunks I had to remain sober because I didn't know how to play them when I was drunk.

Be funny whenever possible, even if some people don't get it.

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

Japan is our rival, not our enemy. Japan is a competitor... Bashing a Toyota won't make a better car.

No, no, I was only funny on stage, really. I think I was funny as a person toward my classmates when I was very young. You know, when I was a child, up to about the age of 12.

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!

Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'

Accents are funny. It sets me apart from the other girls doing comedy. It gives me more—how do you say?—pop-oo-laaarrrity.

I strongly believe that love is the answer and that it can mend even the deepest unseen wounds. Love can heal, love can console, love can strengthen, and yes, love can make change.

The funny part is I feel like somebody is stalking me, like, at my local course and sizing up my game.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

What a nice night for an evening.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

The history of the world is the history of a few men who had faith in themselves

Oh, this beer here is cold, cold and hop-bitter, no point coming up for air, gulp, till it's all--hahhhh.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident... you know you have to do something about it because you know you're the only one that can really help.

Customers perceive service in their own unique, idiosyncratic, emotional, irrational, end-of-the-day, and totally human terms. Perception is all there is!

Experience is the worst teacher; it gives the test before presenting the lesson.

I have lost friends, some by death...others by sheer inability to cross the street.

The reason so few people are successful is no one has yet found a way for someone to sit down and slide uphill.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

The tongue is the only instrument that gets sharper with use.

They who drink beer will think beer.

When the Okies left Oklahoma and moved to California, they raised the average intelligence level in both states.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.