So Funny Quotes

Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

Dogs have their day but cats have 365.

I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.

I'd never been a good damsel in distress. I was a "hands-on" damsel.

We are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again.

It's funny with jeans now, because if they don't feel like a pair of sweatpants, I don't have patience for them anymore! I think I'm becoming increasingly lazy.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

God is indeed dead. He died of self-horror when He saw the creature He had made in His own image.

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

You have no idea of the women I didn't marry.

A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch.

Laws are not masters but servants, and he rules them who obey them.

Sometimes what I actually love to do is go to a farm and get fresh milk or watch a pig get slaughtered.

Name 12 players better than me.

If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

Politics is the art of postponing decisions until they are no longer relevant.

If you're into what you're playing, that's the most important thing.

You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man's rib; she was made from his funny bone.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

There is no such passion in human nature, as the passion for gravy among commercial gentlemen.

[Hope is] the dream of a waking man.

The same people who never did their homework in high school are still doing that to this very day out in the real world.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

Sir! Sir! I'm afraid your music is just too loud!

If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?

A man's desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.

Seek Not Every Quality In One Individual.

Nearly all our originality comes from the stamp that time impresses upon our sensibility.

Wakin' up to find another day. The moon got lost again last night, but now the sun has finally had its say.

The only job worse is a javelin catcher at a track - and - field meet.

Pity the poor infant. Born perfect into the world from imperfect parents.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Ronald Reagan came from show business. His idea of how the government should help the homeless was like your agent. "We'll try to get you work. But don't bug us about it."

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The bulk of mankind is as well equipped for flying as thinking.

It's looks like someone slapped you in the face with a fruit roll-up or something!

Blood's not thicker than money.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

High-tech tomatoes. Mysterious milk. Supersquash. Are we supposed to eat this stuff? Or is it going to eat us?

It's funny how the hippies and the punks tried to get rid of the conservatives, but they always seem to get the upper hand in the end.

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

Oh, to be seventy again!

Ugliness is better than beauty. It lasts longer and in the end, gravity will get us all.