So Funny Quotes

Will the highways on the Internet become more few?

A dentist at work in his vocation always looks down in the mouth.

I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'

I can tell you how bad our boards are... I don't have to watch Saturday Night Live anymore; I just go to the board meetings.

If you go to Bed Bath & Beyond without a coupon, people will wonder if you're OK.

I have read that, on the average, the Japanese are getting taller, but at the moment they seem to be about the same height as American junior-high-school students, only with fewer guns.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.

Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.

There cannot be good living where there is not good drinking.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

A brand not responding on Twitter is like hanging up the phone on customers. With millions watching.

When I was a kid, I used to watch 'Laurel and Hardy' with my cousins all the time. I still think they're extremely funny and so surreal.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

Beauty is all very well at first sight; but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

A hick town is one where there is no place to go where you shouldn't go.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

Of middle age the best that can be said is that a middle aged person has likely learned how to have a little fun in spite of his troubles.

I love New York on summer afternoons when everyone's away. There's something very sensuous about it - overripe, as if all sorts of funny fruits were going to fall into your hands.

With the possible exception of God during the writing of the Bible, every writer in history has needed an editor. So do you.

When you do comedy in front of an audience, they are the ones who tell you whether it's funny or not and which bits are funny and which bits need to be fixed.

I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.

I told him he'd have a heart attack a year ago, but unfortunately he lived a year longer.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Marriage is like wine. It is not be properly judged until the second glass.

The first time I passed through the country (Switzerland) I had the impression it was swept down with a broom from one end to the other every morning by housewives who dumped all the dirt in Italy.

I’m glad we had the times together just to laugh and sing a song, seems like we just got started and then before you know it, the times we had together were gone.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I meditate and I also think about meditation. Which is funny. I think about Maharishi, about just the idea of meditating. It gives me something.

One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool

Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves.

I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like “shut up, shut up, shut upblah blah blah blah blaaaaah.

The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.

Every experience in your life is being orchestrated to teach you something you need to know to move forward.

You'll see a lot of funny stuff, you'll see a lot of daddy knows best stuff, you'll see a lot of me and my wife trying to hold the family together.

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

I made stupid decisions as a kid, or as a young adult, but I'm trying to be now, I'm trying to take this lemon and make lemonade.

I'm a woman of a certain age who doesn't have kids and never really settled down ... I enjoy kids but not for long periods. I think they're adorable and funny and sweet, and then I have a headache.

The distinguishing mark of true adventures, is that it is often no fun at all while they are actually happening.