So Funny Quotes

A man is never so on trial as in the moment of excessive good fortune.

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!

In cross examination, as in fishing, nothing is more ungainly than a fisherman pulled into the water by his catch.

I can't even really tell a joke. I find being funny very hard work. I am always asked about it and I feel guilty saying that, but it's the truth. I love my work but it ain't easy.

A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.

Sometimes I get a funny feeling inside me that I shan't be here very long, and I'm not talking in terms of things like success. It frightens me sometimes

I say no to drugs, but they don't listen.

Hollywood wants to make women so perfect. Perfect hair. Perfect job. Perfect manners... I know some of the most beautiful women, and they are so weird. That's what makes them funny and captivating.

So Carol, you're a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?

I basically try not to waste any lines in any of my songs, and I think the witty phrases and funny lyrics I have bring a smarter sound to college hip-hop.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

I don't do comedy. I think if a situation is funny you just play it for real and if it's funny, it's funny.

Look up there! That's the sky!

Darkness can be funny. It can be quirky. There are different ways that that stuff comes out as a creative person. But the actual conflicted, twisted, decaying, rotting soul? That's not me. No more.

There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.

Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples... it was a trick pie!

One of these suburbs is actually named Stalingrad, which goes to show that the French have learned nothing about politics since they guillotined all the smart people in 1793.

Wal-mart... do they like make walls there?

I'm so smart now. Everyone's always like 'take your top off'. Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I'm not stupid.

If only faces could talk.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

History, of course, is never real. People either glorify it or horrify it. Or at the very least color it.

However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police.

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

Before most people start boasting about their family tree, they already have done a good pruning job.

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.

I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones.

Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much... ...Monogamy ? It's the same.

I try to find a way to make it comfortable or interesting or funny to me.

When I got up I stuck to my plan - stumbling forward and getting hit in the face.

Being sexy is kind of funny to me.

But only in their dreams can men be truly free. It was always thus and always thus will be.

When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

Well, Clive, it's all about the two Ms - movement and positioning.

I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.

You know, if you play on home soil sometimes funny things can happen and you have that push of the crowd.

It seemed funny that the sunset she saw from her patio and the one I saw from the back steps was the same one. Maybe the two worlds we lived in weren’t so different. We saw the same sunset.