So Funny Quotes

What am I responsible for? Who am I responsible to? Everybody? How come when Archie Bunker nailed everybody, it was funny - but when I do it, it's not?

Almost every man wastes part of his life attempting to display qualities which he does not possess.

Research tells us that fourteen out of any ten individuals like chocolate.

Smoking is indispensable if one has nothing to kiss.

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Somewhere around the place I've got an unfinished short story about Schrodinger's Dog; it was mostly moaning about all the attention the cat was getting.

Be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

We have a problem. 'Congratulations.' But it's a tough problem. 'Then double congratulations.'

I find no sweeter fat than sticks to my own bones.

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

A company is known by the people it keeps.

There is a strange reluctance on the part of most people to admit that they enjoy life.

Frailty, thy name is woman!

He took the bride about the neck and kissed her lips with such a clamorous smack that at the parting all the church did echo.

It was funny to just take a backseat and be like, 'Wow, I might be in this crazy place, but maybe I don't need to understand everything, maybe I don't need to be someone else.'

I'm a person who gets better with practice. Getting older is awesome - because you get more practice.

Scrawny? Baby, I invented scrawny. Scrawny is the new sizzling hot.

I believe in evolution in the sense that a short-tempered man is the successor of a crybaby.

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

A boo is a lot louder than a cheer.

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.

Maybe I think you're cute and funny. Maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you, if you know what I mean.

Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.

Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

As you were, I was. As I am, you will be.

The manipulation of statistical formulas is no substitute for knowing what one is doing.

Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!

I'll teach you to laugh at something that's funny!

Ideally, couples need three lives; one for him, one for her, and one for them together.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable that I assume it must be evil.

Marriage: A word which should be pronounced "mirage".

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I love people; it's mankind I can't stand.

Tell me I'm beautiful, it's nothing. Tell me I'm intellectual - I know it. Tell me I'm funny and it's the greatest compliment in the world anyone could give me.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?