So Funny Quotes

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

The cannon thunders... limbs fly in all directions... one can hear the groans of victims and the howling of those performing the sacrifice... it's Humanity in search of happiness.

In this business, by the time you realize you're in trouble, it's too late to save yourself. Unless you're running scared all the time, you're gone.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

It is man that makes truth great, and not truth that makes man great.

He who requires much from himself and little from others, will keep himself from being the object of resentment.

A Chihuahua. They're good. If you lose one, just empty out your purse.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

One thing's for sure: now when I look at Funny Girl, I think I was gorgeous. I was too beautiful to play Fanny Brice.

Every once in a while, you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You can't do that. It's gone, gone forever.

They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that?

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

It's an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than England manager Sven Goran Eriksson.

In response to how he checked the weather, "I just whip out my blue card with a hole in it and read what it says: 'When color of card matches color of sky, FLY!'"

...that is the best-to laugh with someone because you both think the same things are funny.

It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does in the same way, that is being drunk and being the father of their son.

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

Well, you know, the definition of second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

The British suffer from a most unfortunate superiority complex - unjustified even under Victoria and most certainly hopelessly out-of-date today.

Before I married, I had three theories about raising children and no children. Now, I have three children and no theories.

I'm a big fan of reality shows. I thought the first one, Dukes of Hazzard, captured white people perfectly.

Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up.

Try putting your iPhones down every once in a while and look at people's faces.

You know the trouble with real life? There's no danger music.

Never trust anything you read in a travel article.

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants

When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train.

That is simply the most beautiful publishing office in the world, with that cranky old building in that wonderful park.

When a dog barks at the moon, then it is religion; but when he barks at strangers, it is patriotism!

Fermentation may have been a better invention than fire.

You can't make someone love you, all you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in

Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim.

Volleyball anchored me at a time in my life when I needed it. It gave me a reason for being this big, big girl.

I'm not on a diet. And it's funny cause people go 'Well, then why do you drink diet soda?' So I can eat regular cake.

I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. - Voltaire Do be do be do.

Respectable people do not write music or make love as a career.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost