So Funny Quotes

Things looked funny because my pictures depend on an emotional state... I know this is true and I thought about this for a long time. Somehow it made me feel very, very good.

Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas.

Bores can be divided into two classes; those who have their own particular subject, and those who do not need a subject.

If you go long enough without a bath, even the fleas will let you alone.

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

So what I tend to do is to think of today as the past. It's funny when you comin in first but you hope that you last.. You just hope that it lasts.

I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter.

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

I have a mind like a steel trap. Stuff gets in there and WHAM! it never gets back out again.

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?!

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

It's Friday and I'm ready to swing. Pick up my girls and hit the party scene.

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

Golf is my boyfriend right now.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.

If at first you don't succeed, lie, lie again.

I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.

I can do anything you want me to do so long as I dont have to speak

I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?"

You don't have to die in order to make a living!

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

I was like, what the hell is my life coming to? I'm a trained actor! I've done Shakespeare and here I am having farting contests with an imaginary dog!

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

Edmonton is not the end of the world but you can certainly see it from there.

Rally points scoring is twenty for the fastest, eighteen for the second fastest, right down to six points for the slowest fastest.

Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.

At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying whole wide world.

In Western Australia they don't even know how to make that vital piece of sailboating equipment, the gin and tonic.

A wedding is like a funeral, but with musicians.

The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.

I don't accept flowers. I take nothing perishable.

The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukranians will be more European.

Be funny on a golf course? Do I kid my best friend's mother about her heart condition?

British women can't cook.

When I go abroad I always sail from Boston because it is such a pleasant place to get away from.

Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.

There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing.

There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.