So Funny Quotes

A community is infinitely more brutalised by the habitual employment of punishment than it is by the occasional occurence of crime.

When I was a kid my family was really poor and I remember one Halloween I wanted to dress up really scary and my parents came home with a duck costume. I wore that costume for years! I hated it.

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times.

Thank you for calling customer service. If you're calm and rational, press 1. If you're a whiner, press 2. If you're a hot head, press 3

I wasn't really that informed about the two-year-old. Oh, I'd read about them, and occasionally I'd see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a pencilling

My father taught me a good lesson: Don't get to low when things go wrong. And don't get too high when things are good.

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces

Politics is just like show business. You have a hell of an opening, coast for a while, and then have a hell of a close.

I'm not at all funny. I can do dark comedy pretty well, but straight-up comedy, I don't know. I'm much darker. I've been like that since I was 3 years old

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories: those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short.

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can't change. After I die, I'll probably come back as a paintbrush.

The second mouse gets the cheese!

Your Constitution is all sail and no anchor.

Running a ball club is like raising kids who fall out of trees.

I don't know all the certain words to word it.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I must speak.

My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.

Never miss a party...good for the nerves--like celery.

Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive.

My friend "M" says the irony of being a zombie is that everything is funny, but you can't smile, because your lips have rotted off.

I apologized to her once for spending less time with her, but she blew it off. "You're in love. That makes you actually kind of boring to people who aren't in love. You know, the sane ones.

I certainly hadn't expected to walk away from today's trip with joint custody of a miniature dragon.

Restaurants are minefields for the socially inept

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck chlamydia?

I do not believe in any religion, I will have nothing to do with immortality. We are miserable enough in this life without speculating upon another.

What's funny is my husband doesn't have any tattoos at all, so he must be the very conservative one.

I have no illusions about my looks. I think my face is funny.

Physically I'm not as strong as I was, but I try to make up for it mentally. It's a big challenge, and I relish it, competing with guys half my age.

A good scare is worth more than good advice.