So Funny Quotes

The public doesn't want new music; the main thing it demands of a composer is that he be dead.

I've always wondered if there was a God. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

It has long been recognized by public men of all kinds. . . that statistics come under the head of lying, and that no lie is so false or inconclusive as that which is based on statistics.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

When you're out of will power you call on stubbornness, that's the trick.

And he nipped them in the bud, right at the end

It find it funny how people from Boston and New York hate each other because of pro teams.

I have tried lately to read Shakespeare, and found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

When life gets you down, make a comforter!

If the Spray discovered no continents on her voyage, it may be that there were no more continents to be discovered. She did not seek new worlds, or sail to pow-wow about the dangers of the sea.

Most people named Willie are either in prison or on the armwrestling circuit.

Sincerity is the way of heaven.

Art is as heavy as sorrow, as light as a breeze, as bright as an idea, as pretty as a picture, as funny as money, and as fugitive as fraud!

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. She should go far. The sooner she starts, the better. The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.

Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all others are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself.

Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.

There are two kinds of music; German music and bad music.

If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the beginning of the day.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final.

I have never pretended to be any kind of super-religious kind of man, but I feel very strongly that you can be funny without being dirty.

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

Playing scales is like a boxer skipping rope or punching a bag. It's not the thing in itself; it's preparatory to the activity

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Next to music beer was best.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I have the street smarts and survival skills of, like, a poodle.

You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about?

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"

And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is it Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter as Kansas City leads in the eighth 4 to 4.

Confound these ancestors... They've stolen our best ideas!

Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

if you make waffles, throw out the first one.

Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.

I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job.

God works wonders now and then; Behold a lawyer, an honest man.

It's nothing really. It's the unique presentation that makes me look good in the action scenes. Why did I dare do them? That's a funny question! Why do I act? Why do I breathe!

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

On quiet nights, when I'm alone, I like to run our wedding video backwards, just to watch myself walk out of the church a free man.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.