So Funny Quotes

Do not try to live forever. You will not succeed.

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Remember that there's no one way of doing things. ... If you just get a hammer and hit it really hard, whatever it is, I guarantee you it'll open.

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one.

What's funny for me is that I made a lot of the music I make with intentions of it being a song you listen to, to chill out.

A typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant and remove it.

Thank you for your cooperation and vice versa.

I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.

The sooner we learn to be jointly responsible, the easier the sailing will be.

A meal of bread, cheese and beer constitutes the perfect food.

If you can't answer a man's arguments, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.

You'll be richer in the end than a prince, if you're a friend.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

I gave (pitcher) Mike Cuellar more chances than I gave my first wife.

The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.

In the end, it's all about perseverance.

I sometimes wish that people would put a little more emphasis upon the observance of the law than they do upon its enforcement.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"

Next to music beer was best.

If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final.

Sincerity is the way of heaven.

I have tried lately to read Shakespeare, and found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven... Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.

My legs tired, ain't your legs tired!? His legs ain't Tired! He Just... Tinktinktinktinktinktink, TinktinkTinktinkTinktink!! Just paperclips and Sparks everywhere!

It’s funny, but I was just thinking I wouldn’t mind a repeat of that boring evening when we elapsed to 1953,” said Gideon. “Just you and me and Cousin Sofa.

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.

I can be dramatic. I can be funny. I can be sexy. I can be sad. I can be glad.

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

Funny how you dig yourself into a hole by the teaspoon.

Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life.

Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.

Gardening requires lots of water... most of it in the form of perspiration.

Me, as myself, I don't think I'm particularly funny. But I've noticed that people in my life always have found me amusing. Which, when I was little, really bothered me.

great people are those who make others feel that they, too, can become great.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

At one point you think, well, it's funny, I could just be a starving actor... So if somebody were to pull the plug right now, there'd be no room for complaint.

Beer may cause you to digress - and lead a happier life.

I have 2 weapons; my arms, my legs and my brain.

I'm no expert, Rock, but I don't think I have any poontang...to give you.