So Funny Quotes

Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it.

Every tooth in a man's head is more valuable than a diamond.

I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

You haven't lived until you've died in California

If we lose this war, I'll just start another in my wife's name.

New York is not Mecca. It just smells like it.

Remember this: The house doesn't beat the player. It just gives him the opportunity to beat himself.

Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

Life is a crowded superhighway with bewildering cloverleaf exits on which a man is liable to find himself speeding back in the direction he came.

The really important things are said over cocktails and are never done.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

The fact that I'm shouting that I have Gangnam style makes people crack up. Imagine if Brad Pitt was singing the song - would it be funny? A twist is important when it comes to writing lyrics.

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.

It's much easier for me to make major life, multi-million dollar decisions, than it is to decide on a carpet for my front porch. That's the truth.

The fellow who says he'll meet you halfway usually thinks he's standing on the dividing line.

Hatred is blind, as well as love.

Women represent the triumph of matter over mind, just as men represent the triumph of mind over morals.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I hate people who cry around me. I'm not friends with them anymore. Especially girls. Cuz girls are crying all the time. It's like, 'Shut up.'

Xavier would be such a great burger. He's all covered in spread.

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

I've taken my fun where I've found it, An' now I must pay for my fun, For the more you 'ave known o' the others The less will you settle to one.

Funny how the new things are the old things.

Looking up gives light, although at first it makes you dizzy.

A book may be compared to your neighbor: if it be good, it cannot last too long; if bad, you cannot get rid of it too early.

I've never said flange to a monkey!

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.

An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have heard one side of the case. God has written all the books.

Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory.

We are funny creatures. We don't see the stars as they are, so why do we love them? They are not small gold objects, but endless fire.

Chris Elliott could read the phonebook and he's funny.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and fries.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.