So Funny Quotes

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

A lawyer is just like an attack dog, only without a conscience.

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.

The most powerful music is music with purpose.

Common sense ain't common.

I think my general disposition on life is finding what's funny about it. When something happens, the first thing in my mind is, "What's funny about it?"

Onward we stagger, and if the tanks come, may God help the tanks.

Do you recognise me?" he asked. Willie looked hard and considered before finally replying "Lie down so I can recognise you.

When giving directions to Joe Garagiola to his New Jersey home, which is accessible by two routes: "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.

the table of elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element of surprise.

I always thought it's way more important to be funny or to be honest than to look any certain way

There are men and gods, and beings like Pythagoras.

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

What strikes me as funny about Elvis is that all the impersonators choose to do the Vegas Elvis; not the young, cool guy, always the bloated fool.

No matter how lovesick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along!

No one will need more than 637Kb of memory for a personal computer

The reason why so few marriages are happy is because young ladies spend their time in making nets, not in making cages.

I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.

Everyone coming out of a perfume store is smelling the back of their hand.

You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.

I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

And the funny thing is, I've always been an optimist - it's practically a congenital disorder with me.

When human judgment and big data intersect there are some funny things that happen

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

With rap, it's a funny thing. You can say things, and people can take 'em the way they wanna take 'em.

To his orchestra Stop da music, stop da music! You're supposed to follow da music, not chase it all over da place.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

Many foxes grow gray but few grow good.

Beware of solipsism Funny word. Sounds like it means "love of melons" or something. I looked it up. It means believing that "the self is the only reality." Am I solipsist?

There is someone warming up in the Giants' bullpen, but he's obscured by his number.

Hector Torrez, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?

I never leave my house. Then I don't have to put a bra on, and I don't have to change my pants.

I was born with a priceless gift, the ability to laugh at the misfortunes of others.

You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.