So Funny Quotes
It was a small town: Ferguson, Ohio. When you entered there was a big sign and it said, "Welcome to Ferguson. Beware of the Dog." The all-night drugstore closed at noon.
To buy books would be a good thing if we could also buy the time to read them; but the purchase of books is often mistaken for the assimilation and mastering of their contents.
If you wish to make a man your enemy, tell him simply, 'You are wrong.' This method works every time.
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
Inflation hasn't ruined everything. A dime can still be used as a screwdriver.
Blessed are they who hold lively conversations with the helplessly mute, for they shall be called dentists.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
It was decided almost two hundred years ago that English should be the language spoken in the United States. It is not known, however, why this decision has not been carried out.
Everyone knows that a man can marry even if he reaches the age of 102, is penniless, and has all his facilities gone. There is always some woman willing to take a chance on him.
Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that men never learn anything from history.
I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'
There is nothing so good as a burial at sea. It is simple, tidy, and not very incriminating.
The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.
When a man laughs at his troubles he loses a great many friends. They never forgive the loss of their prerogative.
Dalmatians are not only superior to other dogs, they are like all dogs, infinitely less stupid than men.
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
Every country gets the circus it deserves. Spain gets bullfights. Italy the Church. America Hollywood.
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
My fans are so funny, they make me laugh so much. I've got some really, really, funny, clever fans.
I'm glad I'm funny. I'm glad I make people happy, because that's very important. But I'm proud to be known as a kind person.
People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.
Human beings are like tea-bags. You don't know your own strength until you get into hot water.
If you think of ice cream, it (Helvetica) is a cheap, nasty, supermarket brand made of water, substitutes and vegetable fats. The texture is wrong and it leaves a little bit of a funny aftertaste.
Sailing is just the bottom line, like adding up the score in bridge. My real interest is in the tremendous game of life.
I went in and said, "If I see one more gratuitous shot of a woman's body, I'm quitting . . . " I think the show should be emotional story lines, morals, real- life heroes. And that's what we're doing
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!