So Funny Quotes

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.

My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right.

By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart.

He who keeps danger in mind, is he who will rest safe in his seat; he who keeps ruin in mind, is he who will preserve his interests secure.

This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.

The mistakes of the fool are known to the world, but not to himself. The mistakes of the wise man are known to himself, but not to the world.

Silence is foolish if we are wise, but wise if we are foolish.

Think! I've got enough to do, and little enough to get for it, without thinking.

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

Speaking as a black person, welfare is the worst thing that's ever happened to us.

Sometimes you lie in bed at night, and you don't have a single thing to worry about...That always worries me!

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

Fitness - if it came in a bottle, everybody would have a great body.

Someone once said "The only thing that will be left after a nuclear holocaust is Cher and cockroaches." I think that's funny, because, you know, I am a survivor. If I am anything, that's what I am.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious.

There's one thing that's really great about waking up early, and it's not jogging or greeting the day - it's just that that's when they make doughnuts.

Q: Does this train stop at Brighton? A: I hope so or there's going to be a hell of a splash.

When I first met you, you were just an annoying novice nurse. But I found out that you saved my life and now you're my little sister. Isn't it funny.

Nothing dispels enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Well, the clothes are really cool that we wear. The sets are so funny, because it's like everything is so real.

Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

I miss being able to wake up when I want and go on stage when I want and pull down my pants when I want.

Splendid couple - slept with both of them.

First of all, I choose the great roles, and if none of these come, I choose the mediocre ones, and if they don't come, I choose the ones that pay the rent.

I'm just like anyone. I cut and I bleed. And I embarass easily.

I feast on wine and bread, and feasts they are.

For a man to attain to an eminent degree in learning costs him time, watching, hunger, nakedness, dizziness in the head, weakness in the stomach, and other inconveniences.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky.

Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

A Cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter.

You might not think that's cricket, and it's not, it's motor racing.

And there's the man in the green flag!

Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.

Two cannibals were eating a comedian, and one of them turns to the other and asks, 'Does this taste funny to you?

There isn't so much to be afraid of, out there. I can remember thinking it was funny to find that out, on the last night of my life; I'd spent the rest of it being afraid of everything.

I'mma just do me, when it feel right.

Respect your haters. They're the only ones who think you're better than them.

The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.