So Funny Quotes

My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to walk into walls and tables. I used to think it was hilarious. It was a slapstick cat.

I couldn't have invented crisps. ... I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. ... I invented apples. ... I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.

Promises are like crying babies in a theater, they should be carried out at once.

Only one way to cover a story like this, and make that a double, bartender, please.

It's easier to find a traveling companion than to get rid of one.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

The man who invented the red carpet needed his head examined.

Senescence begins And middle-age ends The day your descendants Outnumber your friends

Bankers are just like anybody else, only richer

To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.

There is always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love.

There can be nothing more frequent than an occasional drink.

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

All of the Mets' road wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium.

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I know at last what distinguishes man from animals; financial worries.

South Central Los Angeles [is the] home of the drive-thru and the drive-by. Funny thing is, the drive-thrus are killing more people than the drive-bys.

A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'

College athletes used to get a degree in bringing your pencil.

I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I've been trying for almost eighteen seconds.

You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

I will do comedy until the day I die: inappropriate comedy, funny comedy, gender-bending, twisting comedy, whatever comedy is out there.

Currently we don't have plans on conquering the world.

Some of those more out-there jokes were written in the wee hours of the morning. Somehow, they remained funny the next day.

Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork?

I don't like big feet. It reminds me of gammon.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities.

I like a funny girl. Smart. Talented. I like someone who is good at music - that always intrigues me.

On my gravestone, I want it to say, "I told you I was sick."

...now and then a giggling trail of mermaids appeared in our wake. We fed them oatmeal.

I'm bi-lots of things but lingual isn't one of them. Wait, did I mean to say that?