So Funny Quotes

It was absolutely marvelous working for Pauli. You could ask him anything. There was no worry that he would think a particular question was stupid, since he thought all questions were stupid.

You can only govern men by serving them. The rule is without exception.

Nothing has really happened until it has been recorded.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

A fool and his money are soon invited everywhere.

When I was doing ensemble theater and comedy work, I felt I had some talents. But when I started doing my shows in Berkeley and found that I could be funny on my own, I was shocked.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there

On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.

Canada is the linchpin of the English-speakin g world

If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be.

The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I'm healthy as an ox. And you?" "To compare myself with a bovine would be both ridiculous and insulting, but I'm fit as ever, if that is what you are asking.

This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.

A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife.

We have always had gross humor. But we try for funny, not gross.

Humor is the oxygen of children's literature. There's a lot of competition for children's time, but even kids who hate to read want to read a funny book.

Humor has become so cliche and boring that nothing's funny anymore unless it involves something totally disgusting that offends somebody or makes them feel really uncomfortable.

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.

The important question is, what will your wear for a wedding dress, Alexia? You look horrible in white.

I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

If a guy doesn't like a funny girl, something is wrong with him.

Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.

Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It's using the energy.

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.

Men forget everything; women remember everything.

They're funny things, Accidents. You never have them till you're having them.

In order for this team to win the game, the quarterback has to throw the ball.

I look crazy, but I'm not. And the funny thing is, that other people don't look crazy, but they are.

It was my mom who told me, "Ernie, if you make even one person happy with your smile or a funny thing you did every day, you'll have accomplished a great deal." And that's all I've ever tried to do.

I got me a fine wife and I got me old fiddle, when the suns coming up I got cakes on the griddle. And life ain't nothing, but a funny, funny riddle.

The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip.

Music is a funny thing when you really come to think about it.

There is no great invention, from fire to flying, which has not been hailed as an insult to some god.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

The people don't take baths and they don't speak English. No golf courses, no room service. Who needs it?

Stand-up is just me trying to be as funny as possible in the most concentrated hour with me standing on stage with no storyline, no plot line, and no character development.

If I had my hand full of truth, I would take good care how I opened it.

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.

When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'