So Funny Quotes

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

I met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my life, but you - you're twenty minutes.

Ozzie Smith just made another play that I've never seen anyone else make before, and I've seen him make it more often than anyone else ever has.

There are two ways to pass a hurdle: leaping over or plowing through... There needs to be a monster truck option.

Shut the door, Wales.

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

You spend all your life trying to do something they put people in asylums for.

May this continent, the last explored by humankind, be the first one to be spared by humankind.

Memory is a crazy woman who hoards colored rags and throws away food.

Disneyland is such a big thing to Californians, I discovered that when you cross the border you have to raise your right hand and take an oath that you believe in Walt Disney.

Randy and I were goggle-eyed as we gazed over the wonders of what Walt Disney had wrought. It was a magnificent demonstration of what God could do if He had more imagination.

For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called "here".

There is an element of truth in every idea that lasts long enough to be called corny.

Scientists are peeping toms at the keyhole of eternity.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

The tenderest spot in a man's make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top of his head.

Those proud of keeping an orderly desk never know the thrill of finding something that they thought irretrievably lost.

Billy Crystal knows how to make people laugh. He's got 30 years on stage... there's no telling him what's funny.

Dolphins : Animals that are so intelligent that, within a few weeks of captivity, they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them food three times a day.

In the main, there are two sorts of books: those that no one reads and those that no one ought to read.

I don't have a boyfriend right now. I'm looking for anyone with a job that I don't have to support.

I like people who love books and movies and art and want to talk about it all the time, because that's basically what I want to talk about. Intellectuals that are funny.

A few years ago he had a big heart transplant in Chicago, a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to get him on the operating table.

I watch women continuously. I want them to look beautiful, I am not interested in making them funny, but just beautiful. They have got to look marvelous to please their own men.

If one has not given everything, one has given nothing.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

I expect Woman will be the last thing civilized by Man.

I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.

Everybody knows what California smog is - that's fog with the vitamins removed.

When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

What year did Jesus think it was?

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

I'm not very funny in real life. I used to want to be a comedian when I was 13, 14, 15, till I saw "Death Of A Salesman" with Lee J. Cobb and Mildred Dunnock.

Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

The difficulty about all this dying, is that you can't tell a fellow anything about it, so where does the fun come in?

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.

It has been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle. Alter. Hymn.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.