So Funny Quotes

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

The way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until it stops rolling and then pick it up.

Don't ever follow me, because I am difficult.

I don't think the discus will ever attract any interest until they let us start throwing them at one another.

We can't hear the balance yet because the soloist is still on the airplane.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.

No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six months! Is it not the most beautiful thought? --Poirot

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

David Boreanaz is pretty funny. He's probably the one that cracks everybody up the most on set. He can be very serious as well, but when he's silly he's pretty silly.

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'

Funny women are honest women.

You're the strangest person I ever met, she said & I said you too & we decided we'd know each other a long time.

I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is the language I don't understand.

No country has suffered so much from the ruins of war while being at peace as the American.

And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.

I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.

Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all.

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

Every time I get something under control in my own life, the world provides more material.

It's funny how most activists are pacifists.

Of all that Heaven produces and nourishes, there is none so great as man.

The inner nature of man is the province of Music.

If you don't know how to live, why wonder about death?

When I finally embraced abstinence it was because of the simple urge to work a longer day. Thus, without joining Alcoholics Anonymous, I was at last able to leave Piss-Artists Notorious.

Let me see you ride a donkey over my green again, and as sure as you have a head upon your shoulders, I'll knock your bonnet off, and tread upon it!

We need to take responsibility and educate people. That's why black folks don't like me. I always say it's our responsibility to make safe neighborhoods. It's our job to get them cleaned up.

You know what's funny to me? You know what's really funny to me? The fact that you've been calling Lita the walking kiss of death, but tonight.. the walking KOD beat the walking STD.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I don't exaggerate - I just remember big.

Some guys said 'Here's bop!' Wham! They said, 'Here's something we can make money on!' Wham! 'Here's a comedian!' Wham! Here's a guy who talks funny talk!'

Money is like love; it kills slowly and painfully the one who withholds it, and enlivens the other who turns it on his fellow man.

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

The trouble with us in America isn't that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to Advertising copy.

Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard

Finding the funny is the key to never losing your edge

Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink - under any circumstances.

Funny, when you finally faced reality, it was amazing how clearly you could see things.

It usually takes two people a little while to learn where the funny buttons are and testy buttons are.

Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.