So Funny Quotes

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

That is not all I need. I need dogs. A house filled with dogs and a smart, funny, kind, loving girlfriend or wife.

.....they had burnt and destroyed around 30 vehicles, including tanks and APC's and damaged three enemy helicopters. God bless the fighters of the Arab Socialist Ba'th Party.

The Lybian army is capable of destroying America and breaking its nose.

And there's no damage to the car. Except to the car itself.

And Damon Hill is following Damon Hill.

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.

Golf, like measles, should be caught young.

It was just the sort of yatch you'd expect a rock promoter to have. Mirrored ceilings, marble, Jacuzzis and leopard-skin everything, it made the merely vulgar seem commonplace.

I am funny, but I'm not about funny... I'm about peace & justice.

I hope his breath wasn't too bad for 'Bron.'

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

Young people are the same as they always were. They are just as ignorant.

Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.

Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in its infinite mercy, sends them a fat missionary.

I'm pretty private about my neuroses. You're not neurotic if you talk to yourself - everyone does - you're only neurotic if you hear an answer.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

Most owners are at length able to teach themselves to obey their dog.

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

Reality: What a concept!

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.

Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities.

And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a dream, too.

It was Saturday night and I was feelin kinda funny, Gold around my neck, pockets full of money.

What difference does it make how much you have? What you do not have amounts to much more.

Tell Ray to put the eyeliner, the lipstick and the high heels away. I'm not saying he's a cross-dresser, that's just what I heard.

I wear black skinny-fit jeans - I can't get away from them. It's funny because I wore baggy jeans for ages, then one day my friend convinced me to try on a skinny pair and I thought they were great.

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.

We've created life in our own image.

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?