So Funny Quotes

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Thirty millions, mostly fools.

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir.

The art of life is the art of avoiding pain.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say 'scientists'? I meant Irish people.

Obviously, as an adult I realize this girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worst kind of female behavior, right behind saying "like" all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

Well, all's fair in love, war and fooling the critics.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Brains, you know, are suspect in the Republican Party.

It's kind of funny. When I got my diagnosis - cancer - I said to myself, 'Why me?' And then, the other day, when I got the good news, I said the same thing.

I don't read economic forecasts. I don't read the funny papers.

There are only two places in the world where time takes precedence over the job to be done. School and prison.

The more pity, that fools may not speak wisely what wise men do foolishly.

Farewell, fair cruelty.

I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.

I didn't really say everything I said.

I think God has a sense of humor, and the way my lessons come from God is very funny. I have to laugh at myself even if it's a tough lesson.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

It was not my class of people. There was not a producer, a press agent, a director, an actor.

You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!

The brain can be a dangerous thing. Even more so if you haven't got one.

Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

If people want to compete for leadership of a religious group, they can compete in piety. A chilling thought. Or funny.

I think I'm funny because my family, my siblings were funny.

I'd love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

You can't be funny if you don't have good material.

The doctor's wife ate two apples a day, just to be safe. But her husband kept coming home.

There were people asking 'Can women be funny?' People still ask that. It's like asking: 'Can women breathe in and out?'

Comedy is ridiculously hard. And if the rhythm is not right, if the music or the line is not right, it's not funny.

in china when you're one in a million, there are 1300 people just like you

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget. . . . he didn't lose your number. . . . he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

It's funny - people think analysis or psychiatry is mad, and THEY go to CHURCH.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

Scorsese, Spielberg, Tarantino, Peter Jackson - all of you: I'm here, I'm ready. I can do funny faces, I can sing, I can dance. Hire me!

Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.

You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!

A satisfied customer. We should have him stuffed.

Heath Slater, or the chick from Wendy's

Experience is a funny thing. You dont always have it when you need it.

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'