So Funny Quotes

I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.

I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here.

The illiteracy level of our children are appalling.

In my sentences I go where no man has gone before.

It's funny with fiction - once you cut something, it hasn't happened anymore.

There are many non-intellectual countries; Australia is one of the few anti-intellectual ones.

Flatterers look like friends, as wolves like dogs.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.

I'd have to be superman to do some of the things I'm supposed to have done, I've been at six different places at six different times.

It's just as unpleasant to get more than you bargain for as to get less.

Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!

That's funny, you're funny. I like you, I'm quite taken by you.

I think any time people behave in a way that's truly them, then they'll never fail. You get in trouble when you try to copy others.

Children are wise in a funny kind of way. They haven't developed so many vested interests of self. There is a wisdom, a lack of self-consciousness, that is innocence.

That's what cricket's all about: two batsmen pitting their wits against one another

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

Happiness is like coke — something you get as a by-product in the process of making something else.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

When a puppy takes fifty catnaps in the course of the day, he cannot always be expected to sleep the night through.

Dear dad, you always told me that an honest man has nothing to fear, so I'm trying my best not to be afraid.

Most people I ask little from. I try to give them much, and expect nothing in return and I do very well in the bargain.

I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.

It is in the thirties that we want friends. In the forties we know they won't save us any more than love did.

Please follow me because I have to follow him and he isn't here.

Let me explain what I do here. I don't want to confuse you any more than absolutely necessary.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

Every murderer is probably somebody's old friend.

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

Not only does he have the NFC East record for touchdowns, but also the team record.

I don't really have a type of guy I like. It's just like nice guys, cute boys I mean, ones that are funny.

Even if a farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start.

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

A man and his dog is a sacred relationship. What nature hath put together let no woman put asunder.

The Common Law of England has been laboriously built about a mythical figure-the figure of 'The Reasonable Man'.

Football is not a contact sport. Its a collision sport

The music that I make isn't really like any of the music that I listen to. I think I listen to cool music, but I know that I don't make cool music - so it's kind of funny!