So Funny Quotes

So, how did you all meet?

Trying to be funny is one of the hardest things on the planet. I think that's tough for everyone. If you're just naturally funny it's a hell of a lot easier.

I've eaten things that didn't complain this much.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.

The creed of the Inland Revenue is simple: "If we can bring one little smile to one little face today, then somebody's slipped up somewhere."

I can play in the center, on the right and occasionally on the left side.

You can't get unfamous. You can get infamous but you can't get unfamous.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Unfortunately for novelists, real life is getting way too funny and far-fetched.

Fortunately the boat we rented had a motor in it You will definitely want this feature on your sailboat too, because if you put up the sails, the boat tips way over, and you could spill your beer.

My brain is very simple. Like when you break everything down. I see things in a simple way. And that simplicity for some reason becomes funny to other people because they don't look at it that way.

I think I'm the most underrated superstar that's out there, but that doesn't matter to me.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark.

On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns.

I'm just an entertainer. All I want to be is funny. I never aspired to play Hamlet.

What do you call 500 lawyers lying on the bottom of the Ocean? A good start.

It's funny because I went to a predominantly white school, but for some reason they always picked the musicals that were supposed to be done by totally black casts.

This President is going to lead us out of this recovery.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

It's funny, I listen to friends who talk about back when they were 14, eight, 16, whatever, as if it was yesterday. Me, I've no idea what I did. It's all a blur, I'm afraid.

The media know exactly what they're doing, focusing our attention on Arsenio's hairdo. We need to keep our brains brimming with rubbish. If we didn't, we might think about things.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

It is only the very wisest and the very stupidest who never change.

To govern is to correct. If you set an example by being correct, who would dare to remain incorrect?

If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.

I have made up my mind that I must have money, Pa. I feel that I can't beg it, borrow it, or steal it; and so I have resolved that I must marry it.

The United States is the greatest law factory the world has ever known.

If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.

It's funny how aimless a person can feel at times, even when they know God is in control.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

That's the only dog I know who can smell someone just thinking about food.

Life has many changes. Tomorrow it may rain, and it's supposed to be sunshine, 'cause it's summertime. But God's got a funny soul, he plays like Charlie Parker.

It's so different when you change your hair color, you're treated so differently. It's a very funny experience. It's fun, I love changing up my hair.

That's the funniest thing about portraying certain things on screen, sitting next to your parents and they get to see this glimpse of me kissing another guy.

Comedy is a meritocracy. If you are funny, you are there. If you are not, you are out.

Some folks can look so busy doing nothing that they seem indispensable.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

Volleyball, I could be pretty good. After a few practices I could be that striker, or whatever they call it.

There's no such thing as 'hard sell' and 'soft sell.' There's only 'smart sell' and 'stupid sell.'

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

Theres no mystery-the EMU Club is a hit! This is a fun, funny adventure that kids will love to read.

Most people sell their souls, and live with a good conscience on the proceeds.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

God always has another custard pie up his sleeve.

Give a man free hands, and you'll know where to find them.

I have found men who didn't know how to kiss. I've always found time to teach them.

No sane man will dance.

Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.