So Funny Quotes

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.

There are three sorts of lawyers - able, unable and lamentable.

Anything that is not funny at a certain point will be funny.

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5000 at a reincarnation. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once!

I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it.

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."

Kristin Bauer is so funny. Half the time I'm working with her I'm just trying to keep a straight face.

"In France," Marcel said with wintry dignity, "accidents occur in the bedroom, not the kitchen."

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.

If Marilyn is in love with my husband it proves she has good taste, for I am in love with him too.

Pete (Rose) doesn't run with celebrities and he can't stand the phonies. His big buddy in LA ain't Sinatra, it's a funny old groundskeeper.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it; it's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I had my coat hangers spayed.

The world is a globe — the farther you sail, the closer to home you are.

Sooner or later we're all someone's dog.

Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.

The sun has not caught me in bed in fifty years.

It's funny, but... you're sort of a moving target for fortune, and you never know when it will befall you.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

Counting in octal is just likst counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs.

It was dog food. Beef livers with onions in a can. You open it up and it looks like vomit.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

A lot of actors talk about doing their homework, but very few of them do it.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.

Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.

Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use of any other drug with special horror.

Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an ever smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose

Never answer anonymous letters.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

[Thine] face is not worth sunburning.

What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.