So Funny Quotes

They say money talks, but all mine ever says is 'good-bye sucker.

Don't gobblefunk around with words.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead

Yeah, well, wish in one hand, crap in the other, and see which fills up first

I don't know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.

Ladies pick funny things to be proud of.

Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.

The reason I turn down 99% of a hundred, I mean a thousand, scripts is because romantic comedies are often very romantic but seldom very funny.

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

If a problem is clearly stated, it has no further interest to the physicist.

We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers.

Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine.

Doing actual comedic material is just about the most joyful endeavor ever. That's the truth. The only time it's not funny is when business gets in the way.

I never go about a new project as if I'm trying ot redefine myself. I just like to work, and I'm excited by material I find challenging and - if it's a comedy - exceptionally funny.

We were wavering around like a ship without a sail.

A better thing to grow up with is to be funny I think, and if I had, if I had my choice I would still pick that.

Comedians usually are rooting for the underdog. I mean to take a shot at an underdog I think is really stupid and low and not funny.

The 'Billionaire' song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It's funny.

There are people who don't like capitalism, and people who don't like PCs. But there's no-one who likes the PC who doesn't like Microsoft.

They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.

There were many times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.

It's funny how everyone hates witch hunts... until they see a witch.

That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

School is where you go between when your parents can't take you and industry can't take you.

People always say life is short. I've never been convinced of that - mine seems to have a tendency to go on and on.

He would have scored a touchdown if he hadn't been tackled right there.

You can't win a game if you don't score any points.

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

I let my mind wander and it didn't come back.

Even I don't know what you're doing, and I know everything.

When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries to play as well.

Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.

On his teenage son: To be honest, I'm not sure the same kid comes home each night.

Funny thing about Americans. They are the first to adopt weird lifestyles and radical views but they are the most conservative race on earth.

Optimism isnt funny unless you are laughing at the person, whereas extreme pessimism is extremely funny. Its exaggeration.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time.

I never know how much of what I say is true.

I will not retire while I've still got my legs and my make-up box.

From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

As we celebrate Recovery Month, it is time for Congress to knock down the barriers to treatment and recovery for 26 million Americans suffering the ravages of alcohol and drug addiction.

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.

For sheer sexiness, a man must be beautiful. Funny. yes. Clever, no.

I've made a couple of mistakes I'd like to do over.

I've never seen a game like this. Every game this year has been like this.

I'd worship the ground you walked on if only you walked in a better neighborhood.