So Funny Quotes

Rich Folkers is throwing 'em up in the bullpen.

Why can't I say anything normal?

I'm sorry, I just did a shot

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia

Plant and your spouse plants with you; weed and you weed alone.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.

When a work appears to be ahead of its time, it is only the time that is behind the work.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.

I felt how important the simplest things were, like feeling proud, finding something funny, stretching yourself, retreating into yourself.

It's fun when you're driving, and people wave at you, and you wave back. I think you either like people or you don't. I mean, I don't want to put on sunglasses. That's why I'm in show business.

It’s funny. I don’t like onions but I like onion rings. What’s up with that?

There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.

Overseas, language barriers keep me from doing a lot of talking and some of the jokes that I think are funny and they're like crickets. I have to sharpen up on that.

What is algebra exactly; is it those three-cornered things?

I've never laughed a woman into bed, but I've laughed one out of bed many times.

Hollywood, we decided, was a nice place to die, but we wouldn't want to live there.

Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?

Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers.

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world

When there is an old maid in the house, a watchdog is unnecessary.

What medicines do not heal, the lance will; what the lance does not heal, fire will.

Every man should have a fair-sized cemetary in which to bury the faults of his friends.

Procrastination is suicide on the installment plan.

There is a foolish corner in the brain of the wisest man.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

A fool and her money are soon courted.

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.

When a man makes a woman his wife it's the highest compliment he can pay her – and usually it's the last.

I'm just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it.

Mothers are the most instinctive philosophers.

The weasel under the cocktail cabinet.

I'm homeless, in a funny way. My culture I think is completely rooted in German 19th century music I suppose.

A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark.

Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.

I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs.

The dog is dressed just like me at the climax of my act.

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

It's not surprising that you wouldn't see that side of me on television, but in real life I find the world to be quite a funny place.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Television is now so desperately hungry for material that they're scraping the top of the barrel.

My life had made me funny, and cancer wasn't going to change that.