So Funny Quotes

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself.

In Moscow they do not pay much attention to the living but keep their cemeteries in a splendid state.

To die for an idea is to set a rather high price upon conjecture.

I can never do nothing in this house!

We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!

After the 1984 Summer Olympics, Reagan wanted to add the U.S. volleyball team to his Cabinet. He figured if they can't shove his programs down Congress' throat, nobody can.

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

If you injure your neighbour, better not do it by halves.

What is the use of straining after an amiable view of things, when a cynical view is most likely to be the true one?.

NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.

If you can walk with your head in the clouds and keep your feet on the ground, you can make a million dollars in the NBA.

I always have a million things going on at once, but I try to put my energy into the most immediate need.

As a cabin boy on a Norwegian sailing ship I earned five kronen a week in addition to my keep.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.

When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.

The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.

If you really love guitar, you're going to spend every waking hour stroking the thing.

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

Bring down the curtain, the farce is over

Important families are like potatoes. The best parts are underground.

I know not what tomorrow will bring.

Time will explain it all. He is a talker, and needs no questioning before he speaks.

The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch and one on the throttle.

I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I'd gone to Africa I would have got poached.

I don't mean to make you nervous, but unfortunately I have to.

Somebody said that carrier pilots were the best in the world, and they must be or there wouldn't be any of them left alive.

Not Carnegie, Vanderbilt, and Astor together could have raised money enough to buy a quarter share in my little dogs.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.

Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

The Kenyans haven't done much in the last two games, in fact they haven't competed since 1972

I was never over-weight, just under-tall. The correct height for my weight at the moment is seven feet ten and a half inches.