So Funny Quotes

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

My dad wears girls' clothes - it's so funny. Sometimes I see him and I'm like, 'Nice shirt!,' because it's from my closet.

Children when they ask you why your mama so funny say she is a poet she don't have no sense

I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check. We adore chaos because we love to produce order. I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough.

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Not to have control over the senses is like sailing in a rudderless ship, bound to break to pieces on coming in contact with the very first rock.

I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.'

Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed

All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

No real estate is permanently valuable but the grave.

If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

I have been born more times than anybody except Krishna.

Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs.

If anything is worth doing, it is worth doing it badly.

You know they invented wheelbarrows to teach FAA inspectors to walk on their hind legs.

Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act.

An old pop music producer once said that there are really only four kinds of song a person can write: "I love you/I hate you/go away/come back!" That's a funny observation.

Nobody ever died of laughter.

My Scottie refused to go for a walk with a friend of the house, but she would joyously accompany any stranger who drove a car.

I've never been a big believer in formal education.

Every man dies. Not every man truly lives.

Tough and funny and a little bit kind: that is as near to perfection as a human being can be.

What we love about love is the fever, which marriage puts to bed and cures.

Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live.

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!"

My dad loved to laugh. He was very funny and very silly.

Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.

I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.

I hospitalized a rock, killed a brick...I'm so bad I make medicine sick!

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.

That's the first time he had started from the front row in a Grand Prix, having done so in Canada earlier this year.

I refuse to admit that I am more than 52, even if that makes my children illegitimate.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?

You know I love you,' said the other mother flatly. 'You have a very funny way of showing it,' said Coraline.