So Funny Quotes

Goldie Hawn is funny, sexy, beautiful, talented, intelligent, warm, and consistently sunny. Other than that, she doesn't impress me at all.

I have three kinds of friends: those who love me, those who pay no attention to me, and those who detest me.

Some things are easier to legalize than to legitimate.

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?

I don't think I'd have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago I'd have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry

It is fatal to let any dog know that he is funny, for he immediately loses his head and starts hamming it up.

Has anybody ever seen a dramatic critic in the daytime? Of course not. They come out after dark, up to no good.

Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with.

France in August when you can travel through the entire country without encountering a single pesky Frenchman or being bothered with anything that's open for business.

Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.

What's a soup kitchen?

We might make a lot of money but, we also spend a lot of money.

I found American actors quite scary because they're brilliant actors and brilliantly funny, and they never stopped once you wound them up... off they went and they just deliver fantastic stuff.

If you want to annoy your neighbors, tell the truth about them.

I'm not that good looking. That's why 'Gangnam Style' works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it's just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it's funny.

An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing.

Lawyers spend their professional careers shoveling smoke.

So little time and so little to do.

If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated.

The English have a miraculous power of turning wine into water.

It's funny how it usually works out that I end up dying. It sort of works out, because by the time I die, I'm usually tired of working on that particular movie, so I look forward to it.

The movement of life has its rest in its own music.

Laughing, how can you fall asleep? It brings a state of no-mind and no-thought, and does not allow you to fall asleep.

The secret of ugliness consists not in irregularity, but in being uninteresting.

I was once knocked out by a Mexican bantamweight - six of my pals were swinging him around by his heels at the time.

You know what make me laugh? Good, clean, honest humor. Not-trying-to-be-funny humor.

In Hollywood, it's hard to be funny, because all the big jokes are in Washington.

When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

I feel that a lot of British comedy is often too bombastic, too obvious, dressing up and shouting and pulling funny faces.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

The ideal age for a boy to own a dog is between forty-five and fifty.

A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge

Sometimes two people stay together for the sake of the kids - two kids who sat under a full moon and pledged to be forever true.

I guess the only thing to do now is meet his parents. I'm sure they're decent people. I mean they gotta be if they named their son Gaylord Focker.

Time and tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of 30.

You can't get too much winter in the winter.

I cut my own hair. I got sick of barbers because they talk too much. And too much of their talk was about my hair coming out.

Umm thanks for the phone. I think I already broke it.

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese.

But when I don't smoke I scarcely feel as if I'm living. I don't feel as if I'm living unless I'm killing myself.