So Funny Quotes

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".

I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

A mate of mine told me recently, 'It's the first time I've seen you work, Worthington.' I thought that was quite funny, but he was right.

There is nothing which at once affects a man so much and so little as his own death.

If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business.

I want to make a picture about the Russian secret police - the GOP.

Don't pay any attention to the critics; don't even ignore them.

There is a statue of limitation.

They stayed away in droves.

I love those hockey moms. You know what they say the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is? Lipstick.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".

I probably am a cranky writer, but I am actually a fairly nice, normal person. Since I'm a grouchy writer, of course I have friends whose books are doing way better than mine.

She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand.

The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.

I'm not going to make it a target, but it's something to aim for.

The tragedy is that Dell didn't win it - we lost it.

I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden.

It should feel genuinely good to earn income from your blog - you should be driven by a healthy ambition to succeed. If your blog provides genuine value, you fully deserve to earn income from it.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

The two women exchanged the type of glance women use when there is no knife handy.

I write about wounds, the eternal treasons of life. It's not very funny, but it's sincere. My commitment is to sincerity.

'Don't think of it as dying,' said Death. 'Just think of it as leaving early to avoid the rush.'

My mother was the making of me.

A book that is shut is but a block.

Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

It's funny, but you never really think much about breathing. Until it's all you ever think about.

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."

I want to go to there.

His herding instinct is so strong that he confuses tractors on a baseball field for sheep. He was hospitalized twice. Once by a line drive and once for attacking a tractor tread.

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

I am on the right wing of the middle of the road and with a strong radical bias.

It's funny - if you impersonate somebody, they have no idea it's them.

Yes, it's rather funny, really, that next to no-one realized the snake that Harry set free in Philosopher's Stone turned out to be Voldemort's final Horcrux, Nagini.

Read (this book), smile, enjoy, and if you happen to learn something along the way, don't get upset.

Serenity of spirit and turbulence of action should make up the sum of a man's life.