So Funny Quotes

We are all here on earth to help others.

The Dodo never had a chance. He seems to have been invented for the sole purpose of becoming extinct and that was all he was good for.

Golf is good for the soul. You get so mad at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

Sometimes I feel like the fire hydrant looking at a pack of dogs.

Tension is a habit. Relaxing is a habit. Bad habits can be broken, good habits formed.

As he was valiant, I honour him. But as he was ambitious, I slew him.

Sunshine is my quest.

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

I will make thee think thy swan a crow.

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?

The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement.

Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed!

You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.

If you're texting Magnus to say 'I think u r kewl' I'm going to kill you

How very wet this water is.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.

It's especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.

... but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu?

A new baby! Why, Scarlett, this is a surprise!” he laughed, leaning down to push the blanket away from Ella Lorena's small ugly face." - Rhett Butler

So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it.

Evil influence is like a nicotine patch, you cannot help but absorb what sticks to you.

Bad writing, it is easily verified, has never kept scholarship from being published.

I was never afraid of anything in the world except the dentist.

Funny is an attitude.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

I don't have a caustic sense of humor. What I find funny, that humor comes from a much gentler place.

But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

My heart is so light that it's amazing. I get to play all this grief, all this loss, all this disaster and chaos. It's hysterically funny. I am very light.

I like marriage. The idea.

You know, I've always thought that it would be really funny if somebody made a romantic comedy where absolutely everything went well from beginning to end.

Pride is a funny thing; it can make what is truly worthless appear to be a treasure.

It's a funny thing about weaknesses....Most people will tell you they know their weaknesses. When asked, they'll tell you, 'Well for one thing, I'm overgenerous.' ... that's what innkeepers are for.

When you're fat, the world is divided into two groups - people who bug you and people who leave you alone. The funny thing is, supporters and saboteurs exist in either camp.

It's a funny thing with documentary films - you want them to feel as entertaining and as gripping as a fictional film. With a fictional film you want it to feel as realistic as a documentary film.

The funny thing is, all my friends are short. I wasn't aware of tall people till I got to high school. I didn't know they existed. I was sheltered.

There are no funny lawyers - only funny people who made a career mistake.

I love being funny! I started in the theater when I was 9 and, believe it or not, always played the funny part!

I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?'

The trick is always to write in pairs because if at least two people find it funny, you've immediately halved the odds of it not being funny.

A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.