So Funny Quotes

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!

Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction.

Some of us worship in churches, some in synagogues, some on golf courses...

We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.

Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious.

Life has a funny way of helping you out when you think that everything's gone wrong.

If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.

So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes three.

Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell.

A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.

Truth - An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.

Laziness. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.

An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.

It's funny how you can be mad at someone one moment and want to hug them the next.

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

Every rascal is not a thief, but every thief is a rascal.

You can find tea in a tea cup.. but cannot find world in a world cup.

On the way up here to the podium, a gentleman came up to me and said, "Governor, you are as good a politician as you were an actor." What a cheap shot.

When it came to writing about wine, I did what almost everybody does - faked it

He has only half learned the art of reading who has not added to it the more refined art of skipping and skimming.

One evening I sat Beauty on my knees – And I found her bitter – And I reviled her.

A relentless focus on the outward markers of success can lead to complacency. It can make you lazy.

Jim Carrey, a comic genius, has a harder time overcoming the public's desire for him to be funny simply because he's so good at it.

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit."

When a man is in love or in debt, someone else has the advantage.

The universe is not only queerer than we suppose; it is queerer than we can suppose

People should be happy to see you when you show up to a club because you're a good person. And stop caring about what the industry is "looking for". Just say what you think is funny. .

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

We don't devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

The funny thing about me that most people never really understand is that, at heart, I'm really a jock.

It's money. I remember it from when I was single

Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot.

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't.

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.

Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.

England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.

It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead.

It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

At present there are such goings-on that everything is at a standstill.

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny.