So Funny Quotes

I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry.

one doesn't interrupt a beautiful girl unless one is going to be funny.

It is now well known, however, that men enter local politics solely as a result of being unhappily married.

It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting things into their minds: in reality our best work is done by keeping things out.

It’s funny, everything is so much easier when you do it yourself.

In democracy both a deep reverence and a sense of the comic are requisite.

I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?

Nations have come under the control of haters and fools.

They say you can't do it, but sometimes it doesn't always work.

He would make a lovely corpse.

I was always treated as if I had insisted on being born, in opposition to the dictates of reason, religion, and morality, and against the dissuadinig arguments of my best friends.

When we got off the streetcar at Times Square, it was somewhat of a letdown. Newspapers were blowing about the road and pavement, and Broadway looked seedy, like a slovenly woman just out of bed.

It's funny what they say about men in uniform - how people think women just can't resist 'em. Fact is, I think we're just pleased to see a man groomed, bathed, and wearing clothes that fit him.

I had spent many years before I was 31 hearing people tell me, Oh Man, you're so funny, you need to be in television. But that and a quarter won't get you on a bus.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I wanted to be a doctor in sports medicine; I was into sailing and all that sort of thing.

Bear suits are funny - and bears as well.

I never wanted to see anybody die, but there are a few obituary notices I have read with pleasure.

Be aware that a halo has to fall only a few inches to be a noose.

Stop worrying, nobody gets out of this world alive.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Learn, as if never overtaking your object, and yet as if apprehensive of losing it.

He who merely knows right principles is not equal to him who loves them.

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.

All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all the others.

Votes are like trees, if you are trying to build a forest. If you have more trees than you have forests, then at that point the pollsters will probably say you will win.

Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.

People think it's funny when a dumb person can't do things the same way they can.

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

Humor is an escape, because you cannot think about your problems when you are trying to be funny; so, in essence, "being a humorist" gives you a valid excuse to hide from your pain.

If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any "spare" change.

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.

Debt is normal. Be weird.

Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.

That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world record

The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup. That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup — that's it.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Jet lag is for amateurs.

I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.

Be kind and considerate to others, depending somewhat upon who they are.

He is a writer for the ages, the ages of four to eight.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.