So Funny Quotes

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

Funny, how just when you think life can’t possibly get any worse it suddenly does.

Today is gone. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one. Every day, from here to there, funny things are everywhere.

You wanna do this...you wanna go right now...do you want to, GO?...then go get The Rock a bologna sandwich because this doesn't concern you.

You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.

I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech.

Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

It might be said that it is the ideal of the employer to have production without employees and the ideal of the employee is to have income without work.

The printing press is either the greatest blessing or the greatest curse of modern times, sometimes one forgets which it is.

Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising.

When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool.

Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.

With age come the inner, the higher life. Who would be forever young, to dwell always in externals?

You can always tell when the relationship is over. Little things start getting on your nerves, 'Would you please stop that! That breathing in and out, it's so repetitious.'

I love every minute of fatherhood, staying up all night, changing nappies, kids crying, I find it really funny and inspiring. It connects you to the world in a new way.

Every time I think that I'm getting old, and gradually going to the grave, something else happens.

I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I smell. Did I mention I'm stupid?

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

I got used to dealing with groups of boys and getting on with life in unpleasant circumstances and being smart and funny and subversive at the expense of authority.

All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.

A beautiful vacuum filled with wealthy monogamists, all powerful and members of the best families all drinking themselves to death.

When I have an idea, I turn down the flame, as if it were a little alcohol stove, as low as it will go. Then it explodes and that is my idea.

That's the way Stravinsky was. Bup, bup, bup, bup. The poor guy's dead now. Play it legato.

A husband is like a fire. He goes out when unattended.

When something is too beautiful or too terrible or even too funny for words, then it is time for poetry.

My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.

Taxes, after all, are dues that we pay for the privileges of membership in an organized society.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

If we are strong, and have faith in life and its richness of surprises, and hold the rudder steadily in our hands. I am sure we will sail into quiet and pleasant waters for our old age.

Life is short and progress is slow

I don't talk about my hair anymore because I've matured. I matured and realized it doesn't matter what you look like. It's what kind of hair you have inside that counts.

What is that mountain goat doing way up here in the clouds?

Like good wine, marriage gets better with age - once you learn to keep a cork in it.

Two things are not debatable: eroticism, and comedy. If you don't think it's sexy, or funny, there's no way I can change your mind.

A friend who is near and dear may in time become as useless as a relative.

A doctor's reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care.

How can I die? I'm booked.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

Some old women and men grow bitter with age; the more their teeth drop out, the more biting they get.