So Funny Quotes

I'm the decider, and I decide what is best.

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.

One time, Bert and I were making out for so long it wasn't even funny..But then it was funny.

Mr. McCabe thinks that I am not serious but only funny, because Mr. McCabe thinks that funny is the opposite of serious. Funny is the opposite of not funny and nothing else.

There is nothing the matter with Americans except their ideals. The real American is all right; it is the ideal American who is all wrong.

I don't want to have a bad influence on anybody, but there's no point in my giving up cigarettes now. I won't die young.

The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.

It's funny, I worked with a lot of directors in the many years that I've been doing this, and generally when you hear a director yelling on set, everybody scatters in the other direction.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Given a choice of weapons with you sir, I should choose grammar.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again.

A lawyer is a gentleman that rescues your estate from your enemies and then keeps it for himself.

Men go back to the mountains, as they go back to sailing ships at sea, because in the mountains and on the sea they must face up.

Money gives me pleasure all the time.

Chord substitution isn't some mysterious religious sect.

When I say something untrue on the air, I mean for it to be transparently untrue. I assume people know when I'm just saying something for effect. Or to be funny.

The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.

Selfish men make the best lovers. They're prepared to invest in the women's pleasures so that they can collect an even bigger dividend for themselves.

Golf is a better game played downhill.

It's funny to me that people find other people getting coffee really interesting, or walking their dog in the dog park.

Funny, that no matter where you are in the world, there's always someone eager to help you destroy yourself.

Somebody's sent a funny little valentine to me. It's a bunch of baby-roses in a vase of filigree, And hovering above them ... is a fairy cupid tangled in a scarf of poetry.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

That's the best advice I can give - when you're trying to write a comedy, first write a drama, and then make it funny.

If you can find the line between sympathetic and creepy, you have reached a very funny area.

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

The Opera is obviously the first draft of a fine spectacle; it suggests the idea of one.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

Funny, but after trading for more than 15 years, I still am capable of forgetting a cardinal rule: The paper you own, in the end, will be intertwined with the fate of the 30-year bond.

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."