So Funny Quotes

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

Oh here's an idea: let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all.

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh.

The song tells me what to play.

If a man writes a book, let him set down only what he knows. I have guesses enough of my own.

If you don't run your own life, somebody else will.

I am thinking of taking a fifth wife. Why not? Solomon had a thousand wives and he is a synonym for wisdom.

You can't make Christ funny. He's self-aware, he's too flexible within the situation. It's rigidity, it's when the ego takes over and the behavior becomes inappropriate that it becomes funny.

If you lose your best cornerback and punter, I'd say that's a double loss.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.

I like reading Ball Tongue lyrics and all that stuff. And they published a book, and I wouldn't give my lyrics, and it's all wrong in the book, and I giggle. It's funny.

Advice is like castor oil — easy enough to give but dreadful hard to take.

Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit.

Boxing is always serious. Nothing comical or funny about boxing.

It's funny that they've called homosexuality a crime... At this rate, everyone will be a criminal.

As long as you're remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you're remembering him. That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th.

I have no time for the endless nostalgia: 'Oh gosh I used to . . . ' Life is too short; I don't have any time for sitting and saying I miss things. What's the point? Go and do something else.'

Of course there are certain things that get to me, but I try and lead by example and show people that, especially with haters, that you should just ignore them.

If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on a vacation.

He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want.

I was always loud and obnoxious and giggly and funny.

I think being funny had something to do with feeling like an outsider, not feeling cool - insecurity.

It's so bad being homeless in winter. They should go somewhere warm like the Caribbean where they can eat fresh fish all day.

There's a little truth in all jive, and a little jive in all truth.

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.

I find it interesting how we get carried away by the dogma a-la-mode.

If sisters were free to express how they really feel, parents would hear this: "Give me all the attention and all the toys and send Rebecca to live with Grandma."

Excusing bad programming is a shooting offence, no matter what the circumstances.

Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are afraid they will be.

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.

History teaches us virtue, but nature never ceases to teachh us vice.

I don't really leave my house too much, 'cause I don't like... it's funny, I don't really like to be high and famous at the same time.

March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion and out like a lamb.

I always say, keep a diary and someday it'll keep you.

People who can’t see without glasses should wear them.

They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets.

There is nothing so absurd that some philosopher has not already said it.

I don't say things to be offensive; I say things because they're funny to me. It amuses me.

Obviously we know Bill Hader is funny and charming, but my question is, can he do raw humanity and naturalism? I think so.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

The report of my death was an exaggeration.

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened.

The funniest things are the forbidden.