So Funny Quotes

I don't like forcing comedy and people just trying to do things just to find a funny beat all the time.

While conscience is our friend, all is at peace; however once it is offended, farewell to a tranquil mind.

If people only knew how much I secretly hated them, they'd love me for holding it in.

I have funny bones. If there's ever any kind of tension, I'll always be the one to try and be funny to loosen things up.

Boys in their twenties are a waste of time. They have nothing to offer conversationally; they're immature. I feel like I have a better shot with someone in his thirties.

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room

Wise people are foolish if they cannot adapt to foolish people.

My mom always complains about my lack of a boyfriend. Well, next time she asks, I'm going to tell her I'm dating two different guys-Mr Duracell and Mr Energizer.

I love America, but I can't spend the whole year here. I can't afford the taxes.

Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk.

Never trust a man in red trousers

Sometimes they laugh at things I don't think are funny, but I believe if they're laughing at me, it's a good show.

My main objective is to be professional but to kill him.

All I want to do is yoga and hike, and smoke weed. It's funny.

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!

We will push those crooks, those mercenaries back into the swamp

My toughest fight was with my first wife.

It's lap 26 of 58, which unless I'm very much mistaken is half way.

Let's stop the startwatch.

As you can see, visually, with your eyes.

Jean Alesi is 4th and 5th.

Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

It's like this, dear boy, the one in front is blind and the kind one behind is pushing him.

We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys

For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can't get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets, or boxes of kitchen matches.

You don't have to be an heiress to look like one, if you act like one then everyone will just presume you are one.

There's something darn funny about an old librarian with a potty mouth.

I like things that are funny - in everyday conversation, in incidents that you see, in watching TV or watching film. Comedy has always had an impact on my life.

Airplane Law, The: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

The embarrassing thing is that my salad dressing is out-grossing my films.

I was thinking that we all learn by experience, but some of us have to go to summer school.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.