So Funny Quotes

If a thing isn't worth saying, you sing it.

This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are.

Ethical dilemmas have a way of sneaking up on a person. If something smells funny, stay away from it. Or help get rid of it.

Do not listen to those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious.

How easy for those who do not bulge to not overindulge!

The English laws punish vice; the Chinese laws do more, they reward virtue.

I would like to throw an egg into an electric fan.

I firmly believe that if the whole material medica, as now used, could be sunk to the bottom of the sea, it would be better for mankind-and all the worse for the fishes.

I have always been of the opinion that hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.

It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously

It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is absolutely fatal.

On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure.

The youth of America is their oldest tradition. It has been going on now for three hundred years.

No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly.

I like Wagner's music better than anybody's. It is so loud that one can talk the whole time without other people hearing what one says.

The torpid artist seeks inspiration at any cost, by virtue or by vice, by friend or by fiend, by prayer or by wine.

Whenever I call a company and get put on hold, I never really feel like I'm being held.

It's funny; people get so doctrinaire about music. It should be the last thing you don't have an open mind about.

Why would you clone people when you can go to bed with them and make a baby? C'mon, it's stupid.

The next time you find yourself in an argument, rather than defend your position, see if you can see the other point of view first.

We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievment.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

These were people... who built redwood decks on their mobile homes and have no idea that smart-aleck Yankees think that is somehow funny. People of the pines. My people.

My knees on the ground, dear father, don't let me break, please make me stronger.

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

And who are the greater criminals-those who sell the instruments of death, or those who buy them and use them?

If I book a hotel it's actually very funny. It's very nice to be a genuine Mr Smith.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

Only man had dignity; only man, therefore, can be funny.

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.

I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

Our job is like a baker's work - his rolls are tasty as long as they're fresh; after two days they're stale; after a week, they're covered with mould and fit only to be thrown out.

Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.

Nobody asked how you looked, just what you shot.