So Funny Quotes

If life must not be taken too seriously, then so neither must death.

Gentlemen, include me out.

We're overpaying him, but he's worth it.

That's the trouble with directors. Always biting the hand that lays the golden egg.

This book has too much plot and not enough story.

For your information, I would like to ask a question.

Fly-fishing may be a very pleasant amusement; but angling or float fishing I can only compare to a stick and a string, with a worm at one end and a fool at the other.

The body, she says, is subject to the force of gravity. But the soul is ruled by levity, pure.

Learn the lick, but learn FROM the lick.

It's a lot of bling to play with. You got to have the bling.

My inner child is not wounded.

He's a jokester, and that's funny, very funny. Ha-ha. Very funny.

Never lie when the truth is more profitable.

There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.

I liked getting the best villain award. I thought that was funny.

It's funny how close the past is, sometimes. Sometimes it seems as if you could almost reach out and touch it. Only who really wants to?

The truth is somewhere in the middle of funny and serious.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

He who drinks a tumbler of London water has literally in his stomach more animated beings than there are men, women, and children on the face of the globe.

I think, in comedy, timing is everything. You and I could tell the same joke, but if one of our timing is off, it won't be as funny. You've gotta know when to deliver your punch-lines.

I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies - and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking. I just gotta bring the heat.

Sheep are stupid, and have to be driven. But goats are intelligent, and need to be led.

I don't pretend to understand the Universe - it's a great deal bigger than I am.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute.

According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don't worry, lonely women, you'll be dead soon.

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.

There's a constant flow of child actors. It's kind of funny to watch the new crew come through. I think, You poor little things. You're going to have to struggle for a long time.

The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.